Review of Matthew How Yew Kin

Peer Review Worksheet – Inquiry Essay Aj Joslin’s review of Matthew How Yew Kin

Introduction:

What is the initial inquiry question?  Is it expressed clearly?  Why/why not?

The author main question is how much technology actually help us. It is clear in the first paragraph.

How does the author draw in the reader’s interest?  Can it more effectively?  Is this an inquiry with greater import?  Is it expressed? (note: it might be more effective expressed later in the inquiry.)

The author draws in attention by pointing out how much time we spend with our phones and how little people talk face to face now a days.

Do we know where the author prior knowledge?  Does s/he have a stake in the inquiry?

The author has experience with this and prefers to go talk to someone rather than sending them a text.

Voice:

How would you characterize the voice?  Is it effective for the subject material?  Do we believe in the inquisitiveness of the author (does this matter to him/her)?

The voice is the paper is focused on getting away from phones and going to personal conversations. The sources need work so they transition better from one another. Some of the paragraphs have more than one main idea and these should be used as new paragraphs.

If the voice/tone breaks from type, point it out to the author.  Should it not?

The tone is constant is the paper and it wants the reader to get away from the phone.

Abstactions/Generalities: are there any instances where abstract ideas need specific details and concrete support for greater understanding?  Point these out.

I think the paragraph on page three could use more explanation on how social media leads to drugs and depression.

Body:

Is the author’s thought process evident?  Are we led smoothly from one section of the inquiry to the next?  Are there any questions/answers the author missed?  What are they?

Some of the ideas don’t transition well from one idea to the other. Some paragraph should be broken into smaller one with one main idea.

Does the author question his/her own assumptions, findings, logic? 

The author sticks to his idea of how communication should be.

How is research effectively used?  Incorporation of quotes?  Does the research lead to other branchs of inquiry?  Intellectual disciplines?  Are there missed opportunities for expansion?

The author does use research. I would like to see more stats or information about how social media leads to drugs or depression.

Does the author maintain your interest?  How so?  Where does your attention lag?  Why?  How can it be fixed?

The author does keep my attention since this is a problem in the modern world.

Does the reader continue to broaden the inquiry?  Should it be further broadened, complicated?

The author does bring in many ideas to his agreement. Again the idea that social media leads to drugs should be more explained.

Conclusion:

How does the conclusion operate? (Is an answer found?  Is the initial inquiry complicated, expanded?  Does it point to further inquiry?  Does it conclude with greater import/implications?)

The conclusion is in two paragraphs and does an alright job of ending the paper. I think it could be stronger without using some of the questions in the second last paragraph.

Is it effective?  Are you, the reader, satisfied with the ending?  Why, why not?  What are some suggestions for greater effectiveness?

It works but I would like to see the author get rid of the questions in the second last paragraph and just state facts.

Power's Review

Peer Review Worksheet – Inquiry Essay AJ Joslin review of Kristen Powers

Introduction:

What is the initial inquiry question?  Is it expressed clearly?  Why/why not?

The initial question is how much do grades matter? It is clearly stated at the top of the second page.

How does the author draw in the reader’s interest?  Can it more effectively?  Is this an inquiry with greater import?  Is it expressed? (note: it might be more effective expressed later in the inquiry.)

The author relates to college students or anyone who has gone to college. They talk about all nighters and getting sick and being stuck in a cycle. It drew my attention and I think it works well.

Do we know where the author prior knowledge?  Does s/he have a stake in the inquiry?

The author is a college student but their inquiry question was raised by the comment of a friend.

Voice:

How would you characterize the voice?  Is it effective for the subject material?  Do we believe in the inquisitiveness of the author (does this matter to him/her)?

The voice is very strong. The question does seems to interest the author due to the work load of college and question if it is worth it.

If the voice/tone breaks from type, point it out to the author.  Should it not?

The author tone is constant through the paper. They make the points that show that killing yourself for a 4.0 doesn’t benefit you as much as you’d think compared to B students.

Abstactions/Generalities: are there any instances where abstract ideas need specific details and concrete support for greater understanding?  Point these out.

I thought the points about future career and GPA would be in most need of being explained and everything was explained very well.

Body:

Is the author’s thought process evident?  Are we led smoothly from one section of the inquiry to the next?  Are there any questions/answers the author missed?  What are they?

Yes the author takes the comment made by a friend and transitions it very well from topic to topic.

Does the author question his/her own assumptions, findings, logic? 

The author finds that grades don’t matter as much as most people think the difference between a C and A don’t have much impact on the outcome as people think. The author stays with this side of the argument through the paper.

How is research effectively used?  Incorporation of quotes?  Does the research lead to other branchs of inquiry?  Intellectual disciplines?  Are there missed opportunities for expansion?

Research is effectively used. The author uses six strong resource and uses quotes from them to help her agreement.

Does the author maintain your interest?  How so?  Where does your attention lag?  Why?  How can it be fixed?

The Author keeps my attention through the paper because this is a question that relates to me as a college student.

Does the reader continue to broaden the inquiry?  Should it be further broadened, complicated?

              

Yes the author builds on her main question and relates real life examples into the paper.

Conclusion:

How does the conclusion operate? (Is an answer found?  Is the initial inquiry complicated, expanded?  Does it point to further inquiry?  Does it conclude with greater import/implications?)

The author ties up all of her ideas at the end and brings the paper to a close. Her question is answered and doesn’t leave any questions to be answered.

Is it effective?  Are you, the reader, satisfied with the ending?  Why, why not?  What are some suggestions for greater effectiveness?

I was content with the conclusions. It wraps up the paper very well.

Very good paper. Only problem was a few scattered grammar error but overall great.

Inquiry Table

To my table I am inviting a few of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. I will talk about each one and how they could be the greatest. For example Otto Graham, Peyton Manning, and Tom Brady will be coming. I was planning on doing a survey for this paper, I thought if I was lucky I would be able to get one hundred people to vote. But I found something better. It is a website called http://www.thetoptens.com. On this site they have asked the question “Who is the greatest quarterback of all time?” With the input of over 11,000 people over one hundred quarterbacks are listed in order of most voted for to least. This works out much better than my survey since this survey includes people from all over the country so the local bias won’t have an overall effect on the results.  Also at my table I have a great online resource called http://www.pro-football-reference.com/. On this website the stats for all quarterbacks who have ever played football are shown. They have the box scores of every game ever played too. I know a good deal of the stats I write about but I do have to look some up so I use this website as a crucial resource. Lastly I will invite a few ESPN writers to my table. I have a lot of potential writers that I could use so I want to get the list cut down a bit first before I use them as references. 

Inquiry Intro

Growing up in Buffalo odds are you were a fan of the Bills and the Sabres. They are our only two professional sports teams. I found hockey to be annoying at times since it is forced upon any male after the age of five since our close position to Canada. I never played but was a fan of the Sabres. But as long as I can remember I would watch the Bills games on Sundays with my Dad. I loved football since I was young. I would spend all day Sunday watching the games and then during the week look up all the highlights and stats. That would lead to me to look up records and that lead to me watch footage of almost every great player who has ever played. It has gotten to the point to where I know more random stats and facts than anyone should know. The older I got the more I knew about the sport and I could hold my own in arguments with my uncles who are Die-Hard football fans. A question that comes up constantly in our conversation is “Who is the Greatest Quarterback who has ever played the game?” We can never agree upon one name. I think that is because there is no right answer to this question. The NFL has existed since 1920 and over that time the game, science, and players have changed so much. So many factors go into this question. For example the era in which they played, the number of championships they won, their overall statistics, their most famous moments or I like to call “highlight reel”, and there long lasting impact on the position. An argument can be made for any other point but these five I’d like to look at these five since I think they are the most important. 

Comparing Student Essays

I read the student essays about “The Cost of Healthy Snacking” and “Are We Truly Good People.” Even though they are two completely different topics they both set out on a goal of answering a question. Both articles use real life situations in their exploration of these question. Both also cite outside sources that support their ideas. But a big difference between these two articles, besides for the topics, is that one comes to an answer while the other doesn’t. “The Cost of Healthy Snacking” comes to the conclusion that healthier snacking options range in prices from a few cents to twice the price of your current snack. The essay makes the point that shouldn’t it be worth it to help out your body and give you a better lifestyle. “Are We Truly Good People” never really comes to a complete idea. The essay goes in a circle. Starting by saying what altruism is, to why high school students only try to look good for college or their parents, back to heroes of our time who died to save the lives of others, to talking about religion making people behave properly, and ending with the only reason for donations to charity are for the money and looking good. A lot of ideas! The essay is all over the place and never really settles on a point. Lastly these two topics are different since one actually can be answered and the other is just an opinion. We can go find out exactly how much eating healthier cost but we can’t prove that people are inherently good or bad.

Unitasker

I found Unitasker by A.J. Jacobs overall an interesting article. He sets out on a month long project to answer the question of can man not multitask and just focus on one topic at a time. He brings up stories of his past in which he tries to cram as many activities as he can into his daily life. His friend tells him about his ability to read and walk from the Subway home. Also Jacobs has a much scarier situation in which he was listening to a book on a cd while driving and nearly killed himself and his wife. He starts his month and is only allowed to do one thing at a time. This like the other articles made me think. Since now a days most people are trying to accomplish as much as they can in a single day and work at maximum efficiency. Jacobs finds difficulty in this in the first week. His voice in the article is very strong. He writes about how he work for four minutes and find a new distraction. I feel like I would be the same way. But he pushes on and is inspired by a scientist who watched a life form reproduce from 5:30 am to 11 pm every day for three weeks and men who would copy the bible by writing it out. He takes up yoga to help his mind have a single focus. He even finds a Wii video game in which you are to sit still and stare for as long as you can. Though his month he finds a new ability in not playing with his phone and actually working nine to five every day. He seems to conquered unitasking but has a few slip ups towards the end.

Consider the Lobster

I enjoyed reading Consider the Lobster by David Foster Wallace. The first half of the paper talks about the Maine Lobster Festival and then basically the history of the consumption of lobster. The author has great voice in this paper and has some very interesting points in the first half of his work. The fact that in early 1800’s settlers could walk out to sea and catch all they could eat lobster really intrigued me. I also enjoyed the reference to jails not serving lobster since it was thought of as the rats of the sea. After about seven pages the author builds to his question of “Is it all right to boil a sentient creature alive just for our gustatory pleasure?” He makes this question to make us think about what we are doing. Boiling lobster alive has never really occurred to me as a cruel thing to do. This question really made think. Wallace then talks about stories from a rental car guy named Dick. He told of the time that a PETA protester striped down and painted herself as a lobster to make a point. Dick ends his stories with “There’s a part of the brain in people and animals that lets us feel pain, and lobsters’ brains don’t have this part.” This part is complicated. He cites a MLF articles that states that lobsters nervous systems are like grasshoppers and very underdeveloped. There is no way for us to know if lobster feel pain but they spend 35-45 seconds in boiling water before they die. The Author makes the topic uncomfortable at this point by talking about the ways to kill lobsters. Wallace makes us rethink our ways of eating lobster.